


How to Love Him

by tooberjoober



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 04:23:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16825075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tooberjoober/pseuds/tooberjoober
Summary: Some boys don’t know how to love. Jim doesn’t know how to love a Vulcan and Spock doesn’t know how to love Jim. Therefore, neither of them realize the other loves them back.





	How to Love Him

**Author's Note:**

> Idea for this fic comes from the song Some Boys by Death Cab for Cutie. It’s a really good song for pre-relationship Spirk imo, so check it out if you want! Otherwise I hope you enjoy (especially since I’ve been writing this instead of other things lmao).

Jim smiled at the woman sitting next to him at the bar on the Starbase where they were taking their shore leave. She was pretty enough and she was flirting with him with an easy smile and a bat of her eyes. Jim threw back a drink, his eyes catching a the tall form of his First Officer leaving the bar. He looked back to the woman.

”I’m gonna be honest with you.” Jim said touching the woman’s arm. “If this happens, it’s not gonna mean much. I’m trying to get over something. I’d appreciate your help.” He offered his charming smile. 

The woman wasn’t put off by his honesty. She smiled back at him. “Happy to help, Captain.” She said with a wink. Jim knew she probably wouldn’t have approached him if she wanted anything different. He was starting to get quite the reputation. He didn’t care. There was only one person he wanted and he didn’t know how to love. So he went for the next best thing. His imagination and a body that wasn’t quite warm enough beneath him. They were never warm enough. 

He had everything he ever wanted. He was a celebrated Starfleet Officer. But he saw those dark brown eyes, that were so smart and beautiful and so strangely human, it hurt. And those eyes haunted him. And that smile that was less of a smile and more of a quirk of his lips pained him. He didn’t know when a raised eyebrow or a hand on his shoulder became such a source of joy, but it did somehow. Spock was living poetry and he was so unattainable.

It wasn’t even only his looks. Jim was completely and irrevocably in love with him. His dry sense of humor, the intensity of his focus, the way he cared about things even when he says Vulcans have no emotions. Everything about him was so terribly endearing. Every moment of bickering with Bones brought delight to Jim. Every chess match was a dream come true, but it was all killing Jim. 

He thought about just telling him. Just flat out telling Spock he was hopelessly in love with him. Reaching out and taking his hand during a game of chess, pressing two fingers to Spock’s in the Vulcan kiss that Jim had learned. Or better yet, he’d just push Spock against a wall while walking down the corridor and finally just kiss him. But even though Jim wanted nothing more than to finally have the love of his life in his arms, he was afraid. 

He worried if he said or did anything, Spock would shut down. He’d shut down and request a transfer and Jim would never see him again. If he threw caution to the wind, he was certain Spock would follow. And living in this hell by Spock’s side was better than suffering through it alone. He’d rather have Spock beside him secretly hating his guts than go without him. 

* * *

Spock watched. He always ended up watching. He never meant to. Just when shore leave came around, he found himself in the bars and seedy establishments, where his Captain would seduce the woman of the night. Spock pushed all his emotion deep down into a place he could only reach during meditation. He wanted Jim to stop seducing the young women who wanted nothing from him but fifteen minutes. He couldn’t imagine a world where anyone but cruel vile people would refuse Jim of another date. It made Spock’s chest ache. 

He grabbed his Vulcan lyre, rushing to the rec room in the hope of avoiding Jim and his latest partner. He needed to clear his head. He sat down and plucked across the strings. He closed his eyes and he could see Jim, smiling up at him. Hair so golden and skin so tan he practically seemed to be glowing. Spock let out a soft breath. It was so quiet that if anyone else had been in there, they wouldn’t have noticed. And yet that sigh managed to be one of the most emotional things Spock had done in years.

When Vulcans loved, they loved differently than humans, or many other humanoid creatures. They were not quite so open about their love, but they loved just as deeply as any other species. Maybe even more so. And though Spock hadn’t meant to (those who fell in love rarely ever mean to) he loved Jim Kirk with everything he had.

So since his revelation, his music had become more and more melancholy. Each note filled with love, longing, and misery. People were always confused. They walked in hearing this beautiful emotional music and what they saw was the same stoic Vulcan they saw on the bridge. Just as unemotional as always. But he was pouring emotion into his music. 

At night, Spock meditated for hours before he finally allowed himself to go to bed. Yet even though his room was one of the warmest on the ship, he still felt so cold, curled up alone in his bed. 

* * *

“Jim.” Uhura said softly, approaching the Captain in the hall. “Jim, have you noticed something…wrong with Spock?” She asked. 

”No. What do you mean?” He asked, worrying coloring his face. 

”Follow me.” She said, taking his arm and going down to the rec room. Even standing just outside they could hear the music, melancholy, slow, and heartbreaking. They walked into the room, and Jim’s eyes locked onto Spock’s face. His eyes were closed and he was so beautiful Jim could have kissed him right then and there.

”What’s wrong with this?” Jim asked, his voice quiet, as if he was worried to disturb Spock. Spock’s eyes opened and flickered to the Captain, but he didn’t stop playing. 

Uhura led him back out of the room, away from Spock’s Vulcan listening ears. “The songs are…they’ve been so sad as of late.” She said. “He plays like he’s suffering more than anyone else ever has.”

”He’s a talented man, Lieutenant, I don’t see any reason for concern.” Jim said, wanting to go back in and keep watching Spock play until he could get his hands on another not warm enough body to clear his mind for the night. 

”There’s also the songs themselves.” Uhura said insistently. “All of the ones I recognize are songs about unrequited love and the misery it causes.” She looked down. “Some of them are old Earth songs.” She mused softly. 

”Are you sure it’s not a coincidence?” Jim asked with a sigh. 

”It could be.” She admitted. “But I’ve heard him play over twenty of these sorts of songs this week.” She said. “Will you please at least ask him? Make sure he’s alright?” 

”Alright, alright,” Jim huffed, striding back into the rec room. At his entrance, all those in the room watched him, except for Spock who was letting out the most deeply affected sigh as he finished the song he was playing. “Mr. Spock, a moment in the hall please?” Jim called.

Spock put his lyre on the table, standing and following Jim out of the room. “What do you need, Captain?” Spock asked, his head held high and his arms behind his back. 

”Are you alright, Spock? Emotionally, I mean.” Jim asked quickly. “I know you’re always emotionally sound, but Uhura seems to have the impression that since you’re playing sad songs, you must be sad. Now-“ Jim rambled. 

Spock saw his opportunity and met Jim’s eyes. “No.” His voice was low, but determined. 

It took a moment for the word to register to Jim. “No? But…then what’s wrong?” He asked. “Spock, you know you can tell me anything, you’re my best friend. I know I’ve been a bit more distant lately, but…I still feel that way.” He raised his hand hesitantly to put it on Spock’s shoulder. 

”Frankly I’ve almost felt grateful for the distance.” Spock admitted. “But I do believe it would be beneficial to my mental health if you stop participating in so many frivolous sexual encounters.” 

Jim’s jaw dropped. “What?” He demanded. 

”It is distressing to see you with so many different partners who clearly don’t care for you, your wellbeing, or who don’t even care enough to stay til the morning.” Spock said seriously. 

”Spock, now you listen closely.” Jim said, his face flushing and frustration coloring his eyes. “My sex life, is none of your business.” He poked an accusatory finger at Spock’s chest. “If you don’t like it, don’t pay attention to it.”

Spock frowned, looking down at the finger on his chest. “Jim-“ 

”And don’t worry yourself with it. I’ll make my own shitty decisions if I damn well feel like it. I don’t need a Vulcan nanny to tell me I shouldn’t be sleeping around.” Jim scowled. “God you’re such a fucking prude you can’t stand the thought of me having sex.”

”Jim, that is not what upsets me.” Spock said, his frown becoming pronounced enough that even one not well versed in Vulcan displays of emotion would see his frustration.

”Then what is upsetting you Spock?” Jim demanded. “Why do you give half a shit about my sex life?” 

In one swift motion Spock leaned down and pressed his lips to Jim’s, hoping the contact would express what his words could not. He lifted his hand up to touch Jim’s cheek, avoiding his psi-points. 

Jim was overwhelmed. Through the contact, he felt an incredible amount of longing, love, lust. Suddenly everything made sense and he didn’t know how he hadn’t seen it before. He let his hand relax, letting it fall on Spock’s chest. 

Spock pulled away, Jim following his lips. He looked at him expectantly with those inquisitive brown eyes. “Do you understand now?” He asked softly, his thumb tracing over Jim’s cheek. A shiver went down his spine as his eyes locked onto his lips. 

”Shit Spock…I…you too?” He said softly. “God. You know why I’ve been sleeping around so much?” He said, finally meeting his eyes. “I knew…I mean, I didn’t think I’d ever have you. God you’re so warm.” He said, leaning back in to kiss Spock. 

”Captain.” Spock leaned just out of his reach, a small smirk playing at his lips. “Perhaps we should continue this conversation in one of our rooms.” 

”Yes.” Jim said quickly, pulling himself away from Spock and started down the hall, knowing he’d catch up.


End file.
